www.thefp.com By Nellie Bowles
TGIF. This is our Free Press humor column—and the only one of its kind. Any humor you’ve found elsewhere in these pages was unauthorized, and I’m working hard to squelch it. It’s Trump 2.0. If you’re being funny and you’re not me, even if you work with me, we will find you and we will deport you.
On to the news.
→ My stocks! Not my stocks! Trump has been in office for less than two months and already he has made stocks significantly more affordable for the average working American, a joke that’s been made all week but that I’m stealing anyway. You can get your Apple and your Alphabet for a strong discount. GOOG is down 11 percent since January. I love it: loading up my Costco cart with some GOOGs, grabbing extra AMZNs to store on the shelf behind my NVDAs. And throwing in a MSFT to eat on the car ride home.
MarketWatch comes to us with this helpful tip: “March’s dizzying stock-market drop could be a buying opportunity—so long as this doesn’t happen.” What’s the this? It’s a recession! I love finance journalism. It’s always like “The market is up and will keep going up, unless this one weird thing hits.” You click into the article, and the one weird thing is an unexplained catastrophic market collapse.
White House press secretary Karoline Leavitt spun it this way: “Tariffs are a tax cut for the American people.” Which is not really true, per se. It’s not a lie. But just words that altogether are not the case. As my favorite libertarian Nick Gillespie put it: “On the level of Gerry Ford’s ‘There is no Soviet domination of Eastern Europe’ denial of reality.” Even Fox News’ resident blond male Peter Doocy is mad:
This is a White House that came in trying to get federal workers to retire by the hundreds of thousands, but it’s tough to make the argument that you should retire if your retirement accounts are getting throttled, which is what is happening right now.
Alright, Doocy, back in the salon chair. You’ve lost your press pass, Doocy.
→ Tesla vandalism turns into a Tesla advertisement: Around the country, protesters are lighting Teslas on fire and shooting out windows at dealerships in protest of Tesla CEO and United States President and likely father of your grandchildren (sorry!), Elon Musk. So to counter it all: Trump did a Tesla infomercial with Musk on the White House lawn, announcing that a Tesla would be permanently stationed there, then reading through the prices of various Tesla models. He read from a literal Tesla sales pitch. Frankly, Trump as a car salesman is just too on the nose, even for me. Trump even delivered the lexical gem of the week while looking at a Tesla dashboard: “Everything’s computer!” It is a phrase so of the moment, so perfect, so obviously true, that it belongs up there with Don’t panic and Good morning. Everything’s—indeed, Mr. President—computer…
READ FULL ARTICLE HERE… (thefp.com)
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